No.1 Relationship Killer: Your Good Intention to Advise Your Partner When They’re Upset

Imagine that after an extremely difficult day at the office, a man comes home to his significant other. All he wants to do is relax and get some of the stress off his chest. When he’s finished talking, however, his partner starts going on and on about what he should or shouldn’t have done throughout the day.

Or what about the situation where a woman buys herself a new outfit that she loves. She took a lot of time picking it out and feels really good about the way she looks with it on. So, she wears it out one day with her family. Her significant other notices the new dress and offers this critique: “It makes you look fat.”

Both of these situations happen far more frequently than they should and neither one is healthy for relationships. You can only imagine how the rest of those stories went, and all because of some unsolicited advice.

Most of the time, your significant other just wants someone to listen to them.

As you go about your daily life, try to avoid giving criticisms or offering feedback to people that haven’t asked for it. Especially with your romantic partner. Looking for some relationship advice? Unless they specifically ask for your opinion, they probably just want you to listen to them. Most of the time, your partner turns to your for comfort.

Giving unsolicited advice can be damaging to your relationship.

How do you think it feels to be hit in the face with criticisms when all you really wanted was some understanding? Not good, right? Every time you offer up your advice without being asked, it’s called giving “unauthorized feedback”. All of those moments of unauthorized feedback between the two of you is slowly eating away at the solid foundation of your relationship.

Giving advice is hard, even with the best intentions.

The problem is, giving feedback to our loved ones is hard. We think we can be direct with our friends, family, and romantic partners because we share really close relationships with them. So with all of the confidence in the world, we go about our days making small comments and offering our opinions about the things they have done, the things they are doing, and the things they will do.

We don’t mean anything by it, we’re just trying to help the people we love. Instead, our little comments and opinions can actually end up hurting other people. This hurt may not be in a big way, not at first. But over time, all the little pieces of unsolicited advice and all the little feelings of hurt that they cause start to add up, chipping away at the relationship little by little. Before long, we’ve created a big ball of pain – an obstacle to happiness in our relationship.

The way you give advice always matters.

Does this mean you should stop giving advice and keep your opinions to yourself? Absolutely not. Every bit of relationship advice out there tells us that clear and honest communication is the key to a healthy and happy relationship.

What’s important is how you talk to your partner and give your opinions. Advice should be given so that it gives each person the opportunity to grow. The last thing you want is to cause disturbances between you and your partner.

Before giving feedback to your partner, ask for permission.

You can change the vicious cycle of unauthorized feedback by simply asking for permission first. According to relationship advice from Margie Warrell, one question can make all the difference in the world: “Can I share some feedback with you that I hope will be helpful?”[1]

Think about when your partner talks to you about a difficult professional relationship with one of their coworkers. While you’re listening, they tell you about something they said or did to their coworker and you think it may be the cause of their problem.

Now, imagine you just come right out and say, “Well, you shouldn’t have said ___.” What did you just do? That’s right, you instigated an argument by putting your partner on the defense or making them feel bad. Now take that same situation and imagine you say, “You know what, I noticed something about what you said. Do you mind if I give you my opinion on the matter?” Once you have your partner’s consent, you can proceed with your feedback. You’ve opened up the lines of communication in your relationship.

Don’t focus on what “should have” happened, focus on what should happen.

Remember this relationship advice: When giving your partner feedback, don’t focus on what you think they should have done. Instead, offer feedback about what they could do in the future. This way, you’re giving your partner more than just an emotional opinion that could damage your relationship. You’re giving them information that could help them become a better person in the future. And that’s what romantic relationships are about, helping each other grow.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

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How Successful Leaders Give Honest Feedback That Inspires People and Does Not Hurt Their Ego

Leader’s are the most scrutinized, misinterpreted and misunderstood people in the world. As a leader, you must be cognizant of your tone, body language and your word choice. You have to be firm but not overbearing, assertive but never aggressive, friendly but never to familiar…and the list goes on. Good leadership is akin to walking a tight-rope while juggling knives and being chased by a lion.

Communicating as a leader is never easy.

Effective communication and good leadership are synonymous. They are espoused. If the two ever divorce, efforts, organizations, and vision become orphans struggling to survive in a dysfunctional home.

One particular aspect of communication trips up more leaders than anything else…and that is providing feedback to those they lead. It’s tricky terrain to navigate. There are so many extremes and variations of feedback, from the angry boss that no one can please, to the leader who provides no feedback whatsoever. Understanding and appreciating the value and importance is one side of this important coin. The other side is truly understanding how to use feedback and criticism as a tool[1] that corrects and empowers those you lead.

Understand that different feedback has different effect on people.

The first step in providing proper feedback is to understand what it is. The best description that aptly frames the concept of feedback is Kevin Eikenberrry’s four types of feedback model.[2] His model breaks feedback into four distinct categories:

  1. Negative feedback: corrective comments about past behavior (things that didn’t go well).
  2. Positive feedback: affirming comments about past behavior (things that went well and should be repeated).
  3. Negative feedforward: corrective comments about future behavior (things that shouldn’t be repeated in the future).
  4. Positive feedforward: affirming comments about future behavior (things that would improve future performance).

His approach encourages leaders to establish a balance both positive and negative with emphasis on providing advice on how to improve in the future. This is the primary component that is largely missing from the feedback repertoire of most leaders–focusing on the future or feedforward.

Helping those you lead understand what worked and what didn’t and how they can move forward without repeating negative behaviors should be the goal of feedback. Simply providing negative–or even positive feedback isn’t enough. Feedback should be a tool that teaches, enhances and moves people forward. Feedback that isn’t accomplishing this is ineffective.

The key to an effective feedback is not skipping negative feedback, but balancing both positive and negative elements in it.

Now that we have a clear picture of what balanced feedback looks like, let’s turn our attention to the “how” of providing feedback. One of the most ineffective, insincere forms of feedback is the blanket praise that is vague and insincere.

“I’d like to thank the team for the great job and all of their hard work on that project.” It sounds nice and it technically is positive feedback but it doesn’t point out which behaviors were good and should be repeated and what they should do to improve performance on the next project. It also may feel disingenuous to some team members who may feel they carried more of the load than others. Everyone is aware that a leader is supposed to say “great job team!” and be encouraging, however, feedback should never have a “check the box” feel.

Below are a few things to consider as you are providing balanced, yet feedforward focused feedback:

1. Make sure your feedback is objective and not emotional in nature.

This is especially critical when dealing with massive mistakes that have been made. It’s important to take some time, cool off, evaluate the situation and choose your words carefully. Try to take a step back from the situation and view it from an objective standpoint. You want to provide feedback that is helpful, actionable and that builds the team.

2. Target behaviors, NOT the person or the team.

Personality conflicts are a part of human interaction. As a leader, you are not going to like everyone on your team–but you should respect and value them. Don’t let personal feelings and preferences cloud your judgment and lead you to attack a person’s personality or character. Make sure your feedback is always authentic and that it is designed to bring about positive change and is never used to inflict wounds.

3. Keep the feedback balanced and always affirm positive behaviors you want to be repeated.

Always try to balance the negative with the positive. Giving too much negative feedback or feedforward can leave those you lead feeling disillusioned and that you are never satisfied. When giving positive feedback, make sure that it is about specific and reproducible behaviors.

For constructive feedback, make use of the 70% rule. Make sure you have 30% positive feedback if you’re having 70% negative feedback which focuses on what needs to be improved.

4. When giving negative feedback, be sure you provide suggestions and guidance on how performance can be improved in the future.

We’ve established that providing negative feedback is essential for growth, however, pointing out the negative without providing suggestions for corrective actions can leave your team feeling hopeless. For example, if an employee is constantly interrupting and cutting people off in meetings, let them know what they are doing and how it affects others. Then, provide suggestions on how they can improve that behavior–such as signaling/gesturing they have something to say and would like to comment once their cohort has finished speaking in lieu of cutting them off mid-sentence.

5. Focus on the strengths of your team and show them how to leverage their strengths to compensate for their weaknesses.

Chase negative feedback with positive feedforward. If an individual is constantly late to meetings and the meetings are unable to begin on time, run over or information has to be repeated, let the person know that being on time is critical to the effectiveness of the team. You could then assign them a task that plays to one of their strengths and requires them to get to the meeting ahead time–such as prepping the meeting space, recording the minutes, moderating the meeting or calling the meeting to order.

6. Engage in dialogue, not a monologue.

The more personal and engaging the conversation is the more effective it will be. Allow your team to know that you care about them and are personally invested in their success. Encourage them to participate in the feedback process and to find ways to shore up weak areas and to improve their performance. Help them to be accountable and responsible for their own progress. Talk to them, not at them. Simply broadcasting your message ad nauseum will not have the same effect as engaging in meaningful conversation–and not a lecture or a monologue.

7. Timing is everything when it comes to giving feedback too.

The best leaders know when to speak and when to shut-up. Feedback–positive or negative–that is targeted, well framed and delivered at the right moment can make or break your team. You never want to kick a man when he’s down–but you shouldn’t just step over him and keep going either. The ability to discern the proper time and place to deliver feedback is a skill that must be mastered in order to be a great leader.

As a leader, communication is not about you, your opinions, your positions or your circumstances. It is about helping others. Your job is to provide guidance that meets needs, understand concerns, and add value to your team’s world. It’s about pushing them picking them up and pushing them forward.

Featured photo credit: Flaticon via flaticon.com

Reference

[1] Hill Writing & Editing: Handling Criticism and Harnessing the Power of Feedback
[2] Kevin Eikenberry’s Blog: Using the Four Types of Feedback Correctly

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How Not To Turn Meaningful Discussions Into Arguments By Keeping This 1 Thing In Mind.

When in the midst of a discussion, all we really want is to be heard, and for our point of view to be considered. But sometimes in the heat of the moment if a conversation isn’t going our way, we can get defensive; escalating a friendly discussion into a full blown argument.

A lot of the time this happens without us even meaning to, and we lose control of the situation. We want our views to be understood. But sometimes while explaining our stance we might not realize that we are offending the other people involved in the discussion, turning it into something ugly and running away from the initial point.

The most volatile environment that this could happen is in the work place. You want to appear to be informed and articulate, so you engage with your coworkers about a politically inspired debate. This is an incredibly touchy subject regardless, so approach with caution when flinging your hard-pressed beliefs out in the open. (I don’t agree with the following example but bear with me for a moment). Say that you don’t believe that women should get equal pay in the workplace, because men have to spend more money to please their women. You could have been half-joking when you said it, but now every woman in the office probably hates you, along with many feminist empathizing men. There’s nothing wrong with shaking things up a bit, but think before you speak.

The same goes for friends and family. You don’t need to be as cautious because it’s not going to affect your professional career, but you also don’t want to offend those closest to you. Let’s suppose that you came from a small town, but moved to the big city to find your place in the rat race. When you return home, you view everyone as just doing the same old thing. While that may be true, be careful on how you word things if you decide to bring this up. Don’t use words like, “towny,” because now you’re offending even the people you returned home to see.

The original issue has now turned into a huge conflict.

Now not only do you need to backtrack to get your original point across, but you have to do some damage control to alleviate the situation that is now getting blown out of proportion. The original issue is now no longer relevant, and what should have been a friendly discussion is turning into a huge mess.

When people feel that they are being attacked or judged, they will immediately become defensive and retaliate. The conversation will shift into justifications for their behavior or beliefs that they feel you have been insensitive to, and the remainder of the discussion will consist of you trying to calm them down to realize what you actually meant, and return to your initial point.

It’s not a very good look for you, coming across as judgmental and not accepting of other’s point of view. That may have not been your intent at all, but because of poor word choices, you appear to be that way. Now others are judging you for being judgmental. Exhausting, isn’t it?

Emotions are on the rise and have taken control of the situation. Now all of your efforts are directed at diffusing the situation, and you may not ever get a chance to explain yourself.

Why do we get so defensive?

I think we all know that one person that is next to impossible to speak to, because we know that any little thing will put them on the defensive and shut you out. If you don’t know anyone like this, then maybe it’s you. But why does it happen?

1. Not feeling respected, or that you’re being heard.

Sometimes we react impulsively, or don’t realize the weight of our words until we’ve already said them. Then the recipient of our comments doesn’t exactly take it so well, and the original point has been lost.

Example: You’re unhappy with your boyfriend because he doesn’t seem to have any time for you. You try to talk it out with him, but your first point is that he makes you feel like he doesn’t care. Now, all of his efforts have been belittled, and he feels like you don’t appreciate all that he does for you. It blows up into an argument of accusing each other of not caring, and the original issue doesn’t get resolved.

2. We directly make judgments without explaining ourselves clearly.

Our brains are hard-wired to switch gears into our Self Protective System if we feel that we ar e being attacked verbally, physically, or mentally. Our brains don’t only react to situations instinctively, but reasonably as well to preserve our physical and psychological well-being. What’s interesting about our self-protective systems is that they are not learned. They are genetically manufactured, along with the other facets of our DNA and personality traits. From early childhood we will exhibit this instinct to protect ourselves.

Example: As a small child, you are trying to finish a puzzle before the end of playtime. Now the teacher is saying playtime is over, and you need to put the puzzle away even though you haven’t finished it. In your small developing mind, you feel that the teacher is undermining your ability to finish the puzzle, so you throw a temper tantrum that will nearly drive the teacher to tears.

How to diffuse an issue before it escalates:

1. Mirror the other person after they speak, to let them know that you are listening.

Example: If you’re in the workplace and your coworker suggests an action that you don’t agree with, you can respond by saying that you understand their idea to (reiteration of suggestion) although you think it might be helpful to look at it from another perspective as well, and perhaps find a solution that encompasses both.

2. Avoid using the word “but”.

The word just has a negative ring to it in the midst of a discussion. For example: “I hear what you’re saying, but-“ with just that one word, you have completely undermined the other person. By adding the word but, you are saying that what you are about to say next is more important than the point that they already made.

3. Don’t make judgments or speak about your own emotions without explanation.

Which of these sentences sounds better to you?

“You never take my suggestions seriously.”

“I feel frustrated because you haven’t responded to few of my previous emails, is it because you don’t find my comments to be useful?”

The first sentence is incredibly accusing, and will immediately put the recipient on the defensive. In the second example, the sender fully explains their feelings on the matter, and give the recipient a chance to explain themselves as well.

4. Invite them to give comments so they feel respected.

After voicing your opinion, ask the other person or people in the discussion to voice their opinions on the matter as well, so they know that their thoughts are valued.

Featured photo credit: criticallyrated via google.com

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How to Make Someone Who’s Angry at You Suddenly Become Nice (Even If He’s a Stranger!)

We’ve all found ourselves in situations where someone is angry with us. It could be a spouse, friend, co-worker, or even a stranger! And if you’re someone who likes everyone to be happy and nice, then these instances make you uncomfortable. You want to solve the problem and make things better. But how do you make a person who’s angry at you suddenly become nice?

4 Steps to Fix the Situation

Every situation is unique and you’ll have to determine how to best approach an angry person in the moment. However, in most cases, the following tips and techniques apply.

1. Don’t Retaliate

The number one rule is to avoid retaliation. No matter what someone does, you can’t attack back. This will only make the person angrier. A common example of this is when someone gets angry and cuts you off in traffic because you’ve been driving slower than they’d like. If you respond by cutting them off, this will infuriate them even more.

As hard as it can be, never repay an angry action with another angry action. Even though you feel disrespected, you have to put your pride aside and move on. Make sure you don’t come across as sarcastic, though, as this can infuriate an angry person even more.

2. Show Your Care

Instead of acting angry, show the person that you care about their situation. You’ll find that angry people are often that way because they feel misunderstood. Taking the time to listen may be enough to change their attitude. Depending on the situation, here are some good lines:

  • Can you tell me what’s wrong? Maybe I can help.
  • I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there something I can do?
  • This should have never happened. How are you feeling?

Little lines like these are enough to get the angry person talking. You may eventually be able to help them see past the problem by letting them talk it out.

3. Make Yourself Human

If the angry person is directing their malice towards you, the quickest way to reduce frustration is by making yourself seem more human. Tell them how their anger makes you feel – i.e. scared, confused, or anxious – and be sure to let them know that you mean no harm in your words or actions.

4. Lighten the Mood

You have to be careful with this technique, but a mean person can often be quelled by lightening the mood. Consider telling a joke, flashing a smile, or adding perspective to something that isn’t really that big of a deal. Knowing when to do these things will get you far in life.

Don’t Let Someone Else Ruin Your Day

When it’s all said and done, it’s impossible for you to control someone else’s emotions. No matter how hard you may try, some angry people just want to remain angry. If at all possible, don’t let them ruin your day. Choose kindness and you’ll be the better person.

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How to Do What You Don’t Want to Do (but Have to Do Anyway)

Do you feel like your chores are piling up around you? Whether you’re inundated with housework, or you have a growing list of nagging tasks to complete at work, you are probably overwhelmed and frustrated. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all balked at completing these menial jobs.

As much as we’d rather go on an adventure or tackle that exciting work project, everybody has to spend time doing things they don’t enjoy. Your productivity and happiness is at stake if you can’t clear minor tasks out of the way. Most of these jobs take no longer than a few minutes to complete, but they can compound into a mountain of work if left unattended. It doesn’t have to be this way.

Every exciting work includes some tedious tasks, it’s inevitable.

Regardless of how your chores make you feel, you still have to do them. Having a negative view of your duties sets you up for failure. Instead of thinking of them with disdain, turn to them with gratitude. Even the most exciting assignments at work come with a certain amount of administrative baggage.

Know that hacking through the red tape, filling out the forms, and answering your emails is just a means to get to the work that you enjoy. Envision how much more productive, healthy, and happy you will be if you keep up with your chores.

To accomplish things you don’t feel like doing, plan your tasks with strategies.

Balance your day.

Use the Pomodoro technique to maximize your time without burning yourself out. Start by establishing your to-do list and grouping similar items on your list. Then, work for a solid 25 minutes on your first task or set of tasks. Take five minutes to recharge your batteries, and repeat the pattern. After you have worked for four 25-minute intervals, take a 20-minute break.[1] By working this way, you spend about 75% of your time on task and 25% at rest.

Make routine tasks automatic.

Forwarding your emails to a single address can keep you from having to open several email services. Most email services also give you the option to set up filters to automatically sort your messages. If you generate the same types of documents or messages over and over, come up with a standard template. You can still customize your work, but it is a lot easier to change a few details in your message than it is to reinvent the wheel every day. Automating processes such as paying your bills and refilling your prescriptions means that you won’t have to spend your lunch break doing tedious tasks.[2]

Make chores part of your schedule.

Block out time for them the same way you set aside time for appointments. Incorporate practices like the “One Touch Rule” to save time.[3] This rule requires you to take care of items right away so that you only handle them one time. For example, instead of throwing junk mail into a pile on your desk, throw it in the trash right away.

Do the things that require the most effort first.

Knock out your most challenging work early in the day. These might be things that require the greatest amount of creativity, or they could be the chores that you hate doing the most. You are less likely to experience decision fatigue[4] early in the day, and your levels of self-control will be higher.[5] You don’t want to spend all day dreading a task and then be too exhausted to complete it.

Complete tasks in batches.

When you tackle similar and related tasks in the same block of time, you will be able to complete them more quickly. Have a portion of your day set up specifically for making phone calls or completing orders. Designate times to check your email, and silence unnecessary notifications. Multitasking is rarely as effective as sustained focus on a single task.[6]

Turn completing chores into a game and reward yourself.

Think about things that make you happy and try to connect your chores to them. If it’s a vacation that you crave, agree to put a few dollars in the travel fund for each day that you clear all the items out of your incoming and outgoing files. You not only get the benefit of thinking about that vacation, but you also turn completing your chores into a game.[7]

Ask for help when necessary.

Depending on your position, you may be able to get some additional help with those chores. It is often less expensive to enlist an experienced helper than it is to waste valuable time trying to teach yourself how to do everything well.[8] Even if you don’t have the power to hire an assistant, you can still have an honest discussion with your manager or coworkers if your workload is untenable.

If you want to make your chores more manageable, keep up with them.

Edward Young once said,

“Procrastination is the thief of time.”

Putting off chores today only compounds the amount of time you’ll need to spend on them later. When you approach menial tasks with a positive attitude and complete your chores efficiently, you’ll have more time to enjoy the things you love.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

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How We Are Attracting Fake News and False Information to Our Lives

A new phenomenon is taking the internet by storm, but in the worst of ways. Many of us have fallen victim to “Fake News.” And further perpetuate the issue by sharing this misinformation and regurgitating it as fact.

The news was once a trusted facet where we could inform ourselves of current events. But times have changed. With endless resources at our disposal, we are constantly confronted with news stories and studies that lack fact-checking and credibility. While these news sources are certainly in the wrong, we as readers are contributing to the issue and making it worse.

Perhaps it’s because these fake news stories appeal to our personal ideals, so we accept them as fact. Or maybe, it’s because we want to be the first one to share this information with our peers, appearing as if we are always in the know.

Our fear of missing out could be the culprit to our attraction to fake news.

The Fear of Missing Out (also known as FOMO) is the common condition with a pretty self-explanatory concept. We all want to be caught up on the latest news. It is part of the human condition to want to be informed. Therefore, when we see breaking news on the internet, we are inclined to share the stories to educate our peers.

The huge issue with this is that many people don’t make it past the headline. Without even reading the articles, we share them on multiple social media outlets such as Facebook or Instagram, not even realizing what we are actually sharing.

In our effort to feel superior and informative, we are actually showing our peers how ignorant and gullible we are.

When we passively take in information, we blindly fall victim to bias.

Do you have a favorite go-to news source? Are you sure that it’s credible? Sometimes when we find a news outlet that appeals to our concerns and ideals, we passively take in the information, and don’t even think to challenge the “facts.”

For example, individuals who consider themselves to be extremely right winged politically tend to gravitate towards Fox News and bash any news sources that dare contradict any of their news stories. They have developed a bias, and will reject any information that doesn’t follow their agenda.

Many of us do this without realizing it, and are negatively influenced by authoritative sources. There are three types of bias to look out for:

  • My-Side Bias- the kind of bias that gets formed when you’re in a collaborative group with strong ideals. You will gravitate towards information that confirms your group’s objective.
  • Authoritative Bias- a logical reasoning fallacy where you will refer to an authoritative source to either confirm or deny information. (Ex. Fox News. If they do not agree with the information, then it must not be true.)
  • Confirmation Bias- blinds people from being objective to facts. We don’t want to believe that we are wrong, so we will dismiss information that contradicts our beliefs. We will limit our intake of new information that does not resonate with our pre-existing beliefs.

To stop taking in false information, start with removing unreliable sources.

Evaluate the source of information.

How credible is this source really? Why do you take their word for fact, and is there perhaps some bias involved? Think about why you started to follow this individual or news source to begin with, and if it is still relevant to your current interests.

For example, maybe you started to follow a public figure because he was a really funny guy who shared a lot of jokes and funny videos. At the beginning he only shared about some nonsense jokes or funny things he did every day. But later, he started to joke about issues related to different races or sexual orientation. Be smart enough to know whether the information is valid or whether the public figure’s stance on something align to what you truly believe. Don’t just blindly follow what he believes without processing the information.

Try to disconnect from Facebook.

Much easier said than done, as this is a deep-seeded urge that we all have. FOMO typically stems from unhappiness, and a need for attention.[1] How do we dispel these urges?

Disconnecting is one option. I know, I know. You just CAN’T LIVE without constantly checking into social media. But here’s the thing. You existed and survived without it before, you can do it again. Don’t go cold turkey, but just try to do it less. You have no idea how free and peaceful your mind will become when you stop overwhelm your brain with unnecessary information.

Search for different perspectives, always.

Don’t rely on one source for all of your information.[2] Look for opposing viewpoints on the subject that you’re looking into the get an even keel of the situation. You may realize something that you hadn’t noticed before and change your position on the matter.

Identify your stance on the subject, and look for contradictory evidence to disprove that fact. That might seem silly, but it is the only way to truly know if your opinion is concrete.

If in a group of people, ask each individual their opinion separately, as to not let them be influenced by the position of others.

Use the rule of three.[3] Identify three possible hypothesis for the subject to look at it from every angle. Three is the magic number because there is enough variation to get a solid overview of the subject, but not so much information that it gets confusing and the point is lost.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

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Letting Go Of Your Ex Is Never Easy. But We Have Ideas That Can Guide You Through It.

When a relationship comes to an end it is never easy, especially if you are not the one ending it. We become so used to someone being a part of our life, and it becomes so hard to let them go and leave the past behind. We keep remembering so many happy moments and we just hope they will come running back to us. And thus we are stuck in the past, closing the doors to our future happiness.

We think we can relive the good memories

When we have invested so much of ourselves emotionally we don’t want it to end. And we wonder why the breakup happened when we were so happy. Lying down in bed at night, we relive all the good moments and the things we did to make our partner happy.

But, we need to accept the fact that memories are just memories, and we cannot relive those moment and thus we need to move forward and make new memories. The best thing to do is to look at memories as sunk costs – a sunk cost is a cost you cannot recover. The same is true for good memories – no matter how perfect and great they were they belong to the past and cannot be recovered.

So, you have two choices – either you will get stuck in the past or move forward. Being stuck in the past cannot bring you happiness, just more pain. The longer you hang on to past memories, the further away you are from future happiness.

We believe our ex was PERFECT for us

We are so quick to forget all the bad things from our relationship once we break up. As if we become blind to everything what was wrong. Our brain plays with us making us idealize and believe our memories are perfect, when the actual experience was different.

And thus we mourn as we are certain our ex was the perfect fit, and simply won’t let go and hope we will continue our relationship. We tend to ignore and reject all potential great new partners as we are certain our ex will come around and eventually come back. Justifying the fact they are worth the wait by remembering only the best moments is just making things work.

Are we so blind that we have forgotten all the things that annoyed us, all the arguments that we had because we wanted different things? We have to understand that once someone decides to break up, they have already moved on. They understood the relationship is not what they wanted and they would like to experience different things and explore their other sides.

We have an image in our head of what we think they are like, but the truth is, after the breakup, they won’t be that same person we idealized in our head. The more time we spend apart, the more they will feel like a stranger to us. So there is no point in wanting them to come back – they are just not the same person they were.

Breakups are hard, that’s the fact. And if we loved our partner so much, the idea of going through life without them is hard to sink in. But, if someone doesn’t want to be with us, it means they are not the perfect match for us, no matter what we believe. It is perfectly fine to be sad for a while, it takes time to get over someone. But obsessing with past memories for too long is not healthy for us. We cannot create our happiness by constantly looking back, but by looking forward to the future.

Featured photo credit: https://pixabay.com/ via pixabay.com

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